29 days

so it’s been a whole FUCKING MONTH. yes! screw you fags! how do i feel? alright. do i still want to smoke? from time to time. it’s not like i wake up every day and still think “ah i’ll just have…oh wait i’ve quit”. been to parties, been drunk, been exhausted, been stressed, all not smokin’. ya.

22 days

weelllllll, 22 days, bang!

14 days

BAM! kind of anti climatic. the famed “2 weeks”. jeez. more of a fade away than a burn out…but there ya go, whaddidya expect? i have not had 180 cigarettes and saved £18. 180 cigarettes sounds like a lot of filth to be inhaling. do i still want one? yeah sure. writing this, i do. i am thinking about them. but is it the same as in the first few days? not at all. those first few days, i would be intensely craving them. i don’t think i had one of those today. but i can still see potential for relapse which i need to keep on top of. for example, watching bill hicks. funny guy. a hero of mine. smoked. died of cancer. but also, brendan kelly, the bassist of the lawrence arms. smoked when younger. doesn’t now. he provides some good reasons in his blog

“Smoking: Never a good move. It’s a real kick in the balls though, because it looks great. There’s no one on this earth that ever started smoking for a reason other than “it looks cool”. Oh, yeah, almost no one admits this. People have all sorts of convoluted bullshit reasons why they claim to have started smoking, but none of it holds up under scrutiny. I mean, there’s no way that people can innocently fall into a habit that requires you getting sick and hating life for about two weeks before your body adjusts to taking in a new kind of poison. No one on earth ever enjoyed the first cigarette they tried. NO ONE. That’s a fucking universal truth, up there with ‘if you stick a pin through your skin, you’ll bleed.”
Here’s the thing though: smoking IS cool. It’s reckless and it looks rad and it really shows the world that you don’t even give a fuck enough to not walk around smelling like shit. Unforch, it’s also really wack. And it makes you die, so there’s that.” March 1, 2010

“Dumb smoking. It’s gross. I don’t believe I used to do that shit for fun.

Actually, it was more than fun. I smoked because I thought it looked cool. That’s the only reason anyone ever starts smoking and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. You know why? Because there’s no other reason to start smoking. No non smoker ever was nervous and suddenly, out of nowhere decided that a cigarette would calm them down. That’s a tic brought on by addiction and/or socialization. No non smoker ever looked at someone wafting disgusting smoke at them after a meal and decided, ‘that really does look like it would make this dining experience complete.” The first time you ever smoke a cigarette, it makes you sick. The second time you smoke a cigarette, it makes you sick. There’s NO POINT where the flavor ever tastes good. Cigarettes taste like shit. You know that smell? It’s similar to that of burnt hair? That’s cigarettes, that’s also how they taste. They make you smell like shit, taste like an ashtray, look like a piece of beef jerky, die, and generally look like a neurotic turd who has to step out onto the porch every fifteen minutes to indulge your disgusting habit. AND, you CAN’T EVEN GET INTO IT WITHOUT GETTING SICK AND PRACTICING! It’s impossible to introduce poison to an organism and have it be a pleasurable experience. Only in repetition can cigarettes become enjoyable. And THAT, my friends, is why anyone who tells you that they smoke for any reason other than “I thought it looked cool” is just like someone who tells you they read playboy for the articles or goes to Thailand for the history of it all…full of shit. You know why people go to Thailand, right, dogs of war? Discuss in the sock drawer. Go ahead.” August 17, 2009

Jesus that’s a lot of text. bah, fuck it, i put it there as a “go to” if i ever feel the urge.

I actually found myself today googling whether another of my hero’s smoked, as a justification for potential relapse “well, they did it, and they are fucking cool, so why shouldn’t i?”. this is a completely stupid reason to smoke. i’m sure that lots of my hero’s were into drugs and all kinds of nasty shit that i don’t want to get involved in, but that isn’t a good reason for doing them.

interestingly, this mephedrone hoohar is a kind of bullshit story. hello, you dumb fucks, cigarettes and alcohol are addictive, and kill a ridiculous amount of people. yes, they are legal. people should not fucking expect to be healthy after taking something explicitly marked “not for human consumption”. pretty much every known drug has unhealthy side effects (the people who invent an unaddictive, non-psychological/physical dependence forming and healthy drug are going to make ££££). so why should people assume this to be any different? people taking this shit should think “hang on, i don’t know a) what i’m actually taking or b) what it will do to my body. if i’m going to search for a high, why not do something where the risks are known and documented and i can get help for”.

Day 12

Still nawt smokin’. Seems fine.

Day 8

Jesus christ. Fucken stressed. Need to do essay on uni computer. All uni computers being fucken used! so have to do tomorrow morning. yes yes, i shouldn’t have left it but i did. cue, running towards nearest corner shop, stopping then running back. I got in and was doing some online banking and turns out i didn’t have enough money in my account anywayz. bumz. Soo. day 8. a toughie. feeling a little depressed, and stressed becausee of work and potential large changes in life. still, 100 cigarettes not smoked. I dont know what it is, a kind of apathy has come over me, thinking “if i just smoke until these problems are over, then i’ll quit again, it wasn’t that hard this time.” shit mother fuck damn i want to smoke!

In criticism of…presidential smoking

Jesus christ, last thursday’s guardian editorial was a bit fucked up. first of all, they start off with the common fallacy that NRTs are actually helpful:

“we applaud President Lula of Brazil who has given up smoking – 50 years after he started. Apparently it was sheer force of will that did it: no nicotine patches, no gum, no tablets.”

people who use NRTs to quit succeed in spite of them, not because of them. so why are NRTs recommended? this is based on the misconseption that smoking is a habit, and so once the “habit” of sucking on burning leaves is broken, then nicotine withdrawal will be made easier. this is bullshit. smoking is drug addiction. i have tried to quit before using NRTs, and failed. the product (patches) recommended using them for a total of 8 weeks. that is 8 weeks of withdrawal versus the 2 weeks of cold turkey. when i was using them (patches, for a few days) i still had cravings. it felt like a handjob without ever cumming. why would i put myself through that for 8 weeks? fuck dat. with cold turkey, 3 nasty days, then 2 okish weeks and you’re pretty much done.

secondly:

“Given that history [of Lyndon Johnson], perhaps it’s better for Obama to have the odd puff if the alternative is keeping all that stress bottled up inside.”

firstly, smoking doesn’t relieve the stress of being president. it relieve’s the stress of a nicotine addict not having their nicotine. without cigarettes, obama would be much more healthy, physically and mentally. secondly, Lyndon Johnson obviously kept holding onto the thought that he was always going to go back to smoking after being president. his physical dependency was long gone (provided he didn’t sneak off for a fag occaisionally), but mentally his conscious mind had not truly given up cigarettes. you need to move on:

Day 6

Boooyah! so, the drinking i think was a success as you can see. I had a dream last night that I had a puff and then that i had relapsed. then when i woke up i wasn’t sure if i had had a puff, but i didn’t. so all is well! when through some short periods today where i wasn’t thinking about smoking, e.g. i went to the store and wasn’t thinking “i could just buy a pouch, go on, what damage will a pouch do?” as allen carr’s book and freedom from nicotine say, don’t think of just one cigarette. one cigarette doesn’t exist. it is all the others that come after. one cigarette only reignites the subconscious mind’s belief that cigarettes are as essential as food, when, they’re not. also, was looking at some of those time line things for how your body repairs itself, but it was pretty depressing in a way. whilst it is nice to know that in one year risk of heart disease and attack reduces by half, the risk of lung cancer never reduces to that of a never smoker. bummer. but at least all the time i’m not smoking, it is constantly reducing. wahey!

Day 5

SO! i’m pretty drunk right now. jesus christ. i would love a cigarette right now. mannnnnnnn. fuccccccckkkK! i was/am following the advice in the book “freedom from nicotine” but it is fucking a test! i decided to drink. so am pretty drunk. it feels nice to tastethe alcohol but at the same time i fucking miss just going out there and sucking the smoke into my lungs! but i also don’t want lung cancer! i think it is time to derobe so that i can’t/won’t go outside.

Day 3

Heh, zing! 67 hours. Phew. How do I feel? nasty. and nice. nasty=shitty cravings driving me mad. nice=not stinking, saving dorra, lungs clearing. seem to be getting taste and smell back a bit as well. went into kitchen and WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! horrible fishy burnt smell. ew. been reading allen carr’s “easyway to quit smoking”. granted, i haven’t finished it, and stopped smoking a day before i began reading it (he says to keep smoking til ya finish it), but still, doesn’t seem that easy. his crux seems to be “1. make the decision that you are never going to smoke again. 2. don’t mope about it. rejoice!” well, pretty sure i got the first one down. second? pft…there are times when i really would “like” one i guess more for the psychological dependence than physical. times when i wanna whip out the pouch, smell that raisin-y smell of fresh backy, roll an ace cigarette and light ‘er up. these times, generally between studying. was studying for an hour today, then really wanted one, i guess because i used to have one after the hour. but having a cigarette is what caused this “want” in the first place! and having one will only make it worse! fucken things. i want them for the “break” they give. or seem to give, to the day. something that gives you a few minutes to yourself, to think shit over. egh. but this is not the true reality. these what i may perceive as “benefits” are a waste of time. so, i get ten minutes to mull stuff over, well mull this over: those ten minutes were fucking pointless, having that cigarette just plunges me deeper into addiction, making it more likely that i’ll die from a horrible disease.

also, last night i dreamt about smoking. in the dream i was at a gig or something, and was smoking, then in the dream i “woke up” and realised that it was just a dream. then i actually woke up.

Day 2

Quit cold turkey for 47 hours now. Feeling pretty good about it, except getting quite strong cravings quite often, maybe every 20-30 minutes. It feels like an intense need to suck smoke into my lungs, residing in my throat. Totally pointless. Making me want to rip my throat out and toss it across the room, maybe even smoke it. Currently the longest I have ever gone without smoking, in my four attempts at quitting. Getting a bit of a cough as well, I guess that is the shitty tar getting cleared out of my lungs. Just read something that says tomorrows cravings may be at their greatest – fuck ‘em. I don’t need that shit. The only reason I want a cigarette is because of cigarettes. Philosophically circular, and thus shit, reasoning. Jesus, the weeks seem so damn short when I was smoking, now these two days feel like for – fucking – ever. Worth it, if I beat this addiction. And worth it as I no longer smell like shit. Downside to this is that I have no comeback against my roommate, which used to be (quite cruelly) breathing my shitty smoky breath all over them. When I was smoking it was about 15 a day. Wake up, have shower, have breakfast…ooooohhhh yeaaaaahhh the first cig of the day. Glory. The intermittently throughout the day every hour or so. I enjoyed the break it gave to the day. I guess I will have to find something else to fill that void (I’ve been starting mediating to improve my concentration, I guess that is one option). What really sucked (yaaha) was the smell. Going inside, people reeling from you, and you not realising how shit you smelt. It is not as if people are going to want to sniff you when you smell of 4000 toxic substances. “yeah baby, breath me deep. Don’t those carcinogen’s smell great, real good body!”